My 20-month-old daughter is in a baby water safety class. It’s something I have always wanted to do, since before I even thought about getting pregnant. I saw a video of a young toddler waddling outside alone and falling into the pool. Every parent’s nightmare, right? But the toddler quickly turned on her back, floating to the top and kicking her legs to swim to the side of the pool where she pulled herself out.
I did some research and signed Aurelia up. I figured it would be fun. She is practically fearless and loves the water. She’s been in the pool since she was 6 weeks old.
What could go wrong?
I am realizing now, most of parenthood involves swallowing your words.
It turns out my brave, adventurous daughter (welcome to toddler-hood) hates doing what she doesn’t want to do. Mainly, going under water. The past 3 classes have been hell. She’s screamed and cried and fought me.
Our amazing, patient baby-swim coach told me, “You just need to let go,” and it was kind of a shock to my system.
This was my thought process:
“Let go? Me? I am pretty much Elsa, I’ve let go so much. I am the ‘laid back mom.’ I let my kid take risks and figure stuff out, it’s part of my child-raising philosophy…. OH MY GOD MY POOR BABY THINKS I AM LETTING HER DROWN!!”
The panic on her face. The utter terror. The way she clung to me when she came out of the water.
I tell myself that it’s for the best. It’s necessary. It could save her life.
But to watch her go through it is still so hard.
Today’s class ended up in my daughter projectile vomiting in the pool, and many tears, mostly from me.
This is hard.
Lately, the only thing I hear from God is:
Part of me is tired of it.
Part of me knows it’s the only way to truly rest.
I don’t know why or how or what He is going to do, but I know He will do it.
He will make a way.
2015 felt like I was drowning in so many ways.
I couldn’t see the light.
I couldn’t see the land.
So far this year has been much more hopeful, but every moment is a struggle to believe what He says is true, beyond my bank account, situation, or emotions.
When I stress, it turns my whole body inside out. I go somewhere else. All my creativity is gone.
I can’t breathe.
Sometimes it feels like we are drowning, but God is really is teaching us how to swim.
Sometimes, I just want to take the easy way out.
Take the smooth road, settle just a little bit. Give in. Relax a little bit. Quit following my dreams.
This is hard.
I want to be lazy. I want to strap myself into a life vest and just float. I am done kicking and screaming.
But God knows (and I know, deep down) that’s not what’s best.
That will kill me slowly, as a fizzle out, watching life pass me by.
So, I am gonna fight like hell.
I am gonna get up every morning and believe what God says is real.
I am gonna believe I have been given the ability to create, to make people feel, to shine a beam of truth out into a black sea.
I will take the time to do what I love, to make my heart come alive, to write.
I will swim, even when it feels like I am drowning.
The shining shore is waiting.
Everything I’ve ever wanted is just on the other side of fear.
Peace & Creativity to you,
The Stay At Home Something