Goodbye George (Thoughts on Motherhood, Guilt & Dreams)

My husband text me to tell me that PBS pulled Curious George from Netflix. My first thought was panic. It’s like the one thing my daughter can watch without getting bored. That and Winnie the Pooh, but I can only handle so much of the same two Pooh movies. At least, the annoying monkey brings some variety.

Sometimes when I really need to get work done I stick my daughter in front of the TV.

I feel guilty even writing that. Which is dumb, because I am doing what I can. It’s not like she never goes outside and uses her imagination, sometimes it’s just the only way to keep a 2-year-old occupied without her getting into stuff.

Although, sometimes it is the easy way out for me. When I just need a break, some quiet, some sanity.

I know there are all these blogs full of amazing ideas that are repinned a million times. I know I should be making her sensory bins and helping her do art projects.

Honestly, right now I am just exhausted, mostly emotionally. Life has been smacking me in the face a lot lately and sometimes motherhood just adds to the stress.

I love my daughter more than life. Her laugh and smile and innocence and even mischievous streak make my day, but sometimes I just need a break.

It’s hard, but I know it’s hard for all of us, it’s life. It’s adulthood.

Awhile ago I wrote,

“Maturity happens when we realize hard doesn’t equal bad.”

I guess I know it deep down, but my laziness and desire for comfort just want the easy way out.

I want an “easy” writing job where I don’t feel like I have to put all my heart and soul into it.

I had a job like that for a few months and I just lost it, so I am back to where I was.

This is a battle I’ve fought internally for years:

Am I really gonna do this thing for real, be a writer?

Well yes, I will always write, but should it be more like a hobby?

Am I willing to pour all my last bit of energy into not just getting by with side jobs here and there, but achieving my dream of being a full-time, (and dare I say) successful writer?

When I am feeling emotionally drained, am I willing to sit down at my laptop one more time realizing the best thing I can possibly do for myself, for my marriage, for my daughter is to write, because it’s what fulfills me?

It sounds selfish when I say it like that. But I don’t care.

I don’t believe that the real me has to die with motherhood.

In fact, I actually get to be a better version of myself.

I may lose myself for a bit, just as I have in any crazy transition in life, but I am still me. I still have dreams that I want to see fulfilled. It doesn’t mean neglecting my family. It just means balance.

That’s why I started this blog in the first place.

I know I am not alone. I know there are other mamas who work hard and feel like they never see the fruit of their toil.

I know it’s hard and frustrating and gorgeous and impossible doing life sometimes.

(But we don’t have to do it alone.)

I’ve got to keep writing. I’ve got to find time. So goodbye, guilt. Goodbye George. I will find another show on Netflix for my daughter and sit down and write.

I will find the balance in play and work, taking care of her, and taking care of myself.

How do you keep your kids occupied while working?

How do you make time to go after your dreams?